420 Characters by Lou Beach

***WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS LANGUAGE WHICH MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN.****

 

  This is one awesome book. It is a collection of short stories which are actually Facebook status updates. According to the author’s note, each entry is limited to 420 characters, including letters, spaces, and punctuation.

I know, you’re thinking that this must be really boring but it’s not.

Unlike this blog, each story\update is quite descriptive and entertaining. Some are serious, some are funny, and to be honest, I just didn’t get a few of them. But don’t let that stop you from reading it.

Here is one of my favorites which can be found on page 17:

“ARE YOU MY MOMMY?” said the little blue egg. “No, dear. You are a plastic trinket full of sweets,” said the brown hen. “My baby is over there,” and she pointed to a pink marshmallow chick being torn apart and devoured by a toddler. The hen screamed and woke up, her pillow wet with sweat, the sheets twisted around her legs. “Christ, I hate that dream.” She reached for a smoke.

I thought about trying to write this post in 420 characters but I’m not that good and I don’t think I could do the book justice in a review that short.

I checked this out from the library but it may end up on my “to buy” list for Christmas since I have some friends who would really enjoy it. You’ve been warned. I would recommend you pick up a copy from your local bookseller or at Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com/420-Characters-Lou-Beach/dp/0547617933/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328943464&sr=8-1).

Ok, here’s one more from page 124:

She sat on the porch in the old rocker, back and forth, back and forth, tried to puzzle out her feelings. The paperboy hit her in the knee with the Times. She kept on rocking. Kids ran by, the UPS truck rumbled past, a dog shat on her lawn. She just kept rocking, thinking. The sun went down, cars pulled into driveways. Her husband climbed the steps. “Hi, hon.” He put down his briefcase. “Fuck you, Larry!” she said.

After cleaning up the drink I spewed all over the place, all I could think of were the immortal words of Seinfeld’s Kenny Bania:

“That's gold Jerry! GOLD!”

 

 

 

 

While writing this I was listening to "D.A.N.C.E." from "D.A.N.C.E. - Single of the Week" by "Justice"

Chinese say what?

We ordered Chinese takeout last night and this was my fortune.

“It could be better, but its good enough.”

What the?!

This is probably one of the worst fortunes I’ve ever seen.

It’s even worse if you add one of the parlor game endings such as “in bed” or “between the sheets”. Talk about an ego killer.

I like to think of it as truth in advertising because it was really a testament to the quality of the food.

 

 

While writing this I was listening to "Something's Changed" from "100 Days, 100 Nights [Promo Version]" by "Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings"

Another One Rides The Bus

This is going to be fun.

Comcast\Xfinity recently started offering “Readable Voicemails”. Ok, I shouldn’t say recently because they have been advertising it for the last 6-8 months but it actually hasn’t started working until about 2 weeks ago.

Readable voicemails are actually emails which include a text transcript of your voicemail message. So now when someone calls my house and leaves a message, Comcast’s voice recognition system translates it and emails it to me. If you have ever used voice recognition software then you know how well this is going to turn out. In Comcast’s defense, the service is free and they do add a disclaimer stating that “transcription services are not error free and the accuracy of the transcription can be affected by a number of factors”.

Here are the first ones that I received. I blacked out some parts for privacy reasons and added the corrections with red font in honor of an old boss who always used a red pen to correct my reports. (You know who you are)

 

From: "Comcast Digital Voice" <ComcastDigitalVoice@comcast.net>
To: <           @comcast.net>
Subject: You have a new Voicemail for Xfinity number 719-     -       
Date: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 7:47 PM

You have a new Voicemail message from: Unknown.

You have a new voice message in your mailbox. This message could not be transcribed due to bad audio quality (This was 6 seconds of music playing)

Do more on the go with the XFINITY Mobile App.

Access your email, voicemail, check your bill, and see who is calling your home phone - all from your iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, Android, or BlackBerry device.

Visit www.xfinity.com/mobile to learn more about the XFINITY Mobile App

** This is an automatically generated email message - please do not reply. **

---

From: "Comcast Digital Voice" <ComcastDigitalVoice@comcast.net>
To: <         @comcast.net>
Subject: You have a new Voicemail for Xfinity number 719-   -   

Date: Monday, January 30, 2012 11:45 AM

You have a new Voicemail message from: 719-785-9000.

"This message is for     this is Susan with Ann med (Penrad) imaging. If you could please give us a call at seven eight five nine thousand. Please use option one. We are here Monday through Friday from seven thirty to five thirty. Once again this is pen med (Penrad) imaging seven eight five nine thousand. Please choose option one and anyone here can help you. Thank you."

Do more on the go with the XFINITY Mobile App.

Access your email, voicemail, check your bill, and see who is calling your home phone - all from your iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, Android, or BlackBerry device.

Visit www.xfinity.com/mobile to learn more about the XFINITY Mobile App

** This is an automatically generated email message - please do not reply. **

---

From: "Comcast Digital Voice" <ComcastDigitalVoice@comcast.net>
To: <          @comcast.net>
Subject: You have a new Voicemail for Xfinity number 719-    -      

Date: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 9:28 AM

You have a new Voicemail message from: 719-785-9000.

"Hi this message is for        this is a test of a ten-not-imaging(?) (a message from Penrad Imaging)please return our call at your earliest convenience at seven eight five nine thousand. Our office hours are Monday through Friday seven thirty to five thirty. Again that number is seven eight five nine thousand. Option one."

Do more on the go with the XFINITY Mobile App.

Access your email, voicemail, check your bill, and see who is calling your home phone - all from your iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, Android, or BlackBerry device.

Visit www.xfinity.com/mobile to learn more about the XFINITY Mobile App

** This is an automatically generated email message - please do not reply. **

---

And for the young ones out there, the title of this post in a reference to the Queen song “Another One Bites The Dust”.

More to come. I’m sure.

 

 

While writing this I was listening to "You & Me (Acoustic)" from "All You Need Is Love" by "Dave Matthews Band"